I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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