Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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