Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
