btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
