I faked an abortion last night.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
