u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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