Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
