is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
