I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
