my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
