she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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