Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
