we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
