I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
