:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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