The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize