my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
