I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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