I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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