On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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