Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
