the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize