The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
True strength comes from lack of pants
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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