There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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