peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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