Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
