im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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