How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
