he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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