Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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