If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
