When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
