and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i believe in u and ur pee
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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