If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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