Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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