She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
