we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
