what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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