I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
