my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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