It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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