She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
