So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
