I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
