proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
