If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
