Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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