Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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