i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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