The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
