you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize