Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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