I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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