My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
