I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
