Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
