I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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