Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
